remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
