Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
