In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
