i just wanna soil my oats bro
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize