he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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