Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
