is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Two words: nipple clamps
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