haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Sext me about skeletons
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
