K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
