I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
