I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
