Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
