i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
