I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
