I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
