you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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