I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize