I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize