Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
