if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
