Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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