I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
