When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
