The maid of honor just puked.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize