Cold hands, warm shart.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
