turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
