New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
