So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
