You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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