And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
