My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize