my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I have demons in me.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
