The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
