my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
