apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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