Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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