You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
