I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
