I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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