On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
