just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
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