The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
