Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
