I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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