How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
