Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
