Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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