your parents love me but you hate me
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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