Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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