I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
