Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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