The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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